Distractions…….

A disastrous weigh in week I’m afraid. I was so pissed off I didn’t even calculate how much I’d gained – it’s not much more than a couple of pounds as far as I know but it’s a bloody gain.

It’s not that I can’t behave myself with food – I’ve proven to myself that I can behave and eat properly – for the most part I don’t even binge – I just make unhealthy choices. The problem is, I live an extremely eventful life and I get totally distracted from eating the right thing. You see, the life I lead means that most ordinary hiccups have complications, sometimes to the extent that it sounds like you’re making it up!

What I’m trying to figure out is, how do I stay focussed and weather life’s interruptions? I have the best of intentions, but despite my best efforts, I always seem to end up having to take shortcuts. I know preparation is key, but sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day or enough energy in the body for that matter!

I’m just finding it so frustrating, not being able to get anywhere. I keep hearing about people who are yo-yo dieters, who lose vast amounts of weight but can’t keep it off. I’ve never been like that – I just never managed to lose a big enough amount of weight to get any kind of satisfaction – just a stone here or there but nothing big.

I firmly believe that this weight loss battle is fought and won in the mind and I need to figure out what’s making me tick in this department. I’ve learned a bit about what way I am with food so far, but obviously I have a ways to go.

On the up side I guess I haven’t totally lost touch cos I’m blogging eh…..

Weigh in and other stuff

So, the good news is I didn’t gain any weight, the bad news is I didn’t lose any either.  But you know what, it could be worse.  I did have a couple of wobbles this week but I ain’t beating myself up over it.

You see, I had the very strange experience of looking up an old friend, only to find he’d died.  It knocked me for six I can tell you.  I’m going to be 36 this April and though there are times when I feel I’m ancient, it still feels too young to find people are dead when you look them up!

Death does funny things to my emotions and my mind.  I never know how to deal with it because it feels so bloody final.  And, it doesn’t matter how well I did or didn’t know a person, I still have this incredible urge to immerse myself in them and absorb them somehow.  I was on my way to a gig the other night and passed within 5km of where my friend used to live and though I have passed that road a hundred times, this time it was different.

The situation with the old friend I was looking up was kind of strange.  I always got on really well with him, and though we weren’t “tell each other deepest darkest secrets” kind of close, I have a lot of happy memories of the time we spent together.  I knew him at a time when I was smoking a lot of dope and our group of friends would have lots of lazy Sundays (and er…Mondays-Saturdays too..) where we’d get stoned, eat rubbish and vegetate for the day.  In fairness, as bad as it sounds, it wasn’t all that superficial!  Though, having said that, the person I am now wants to go into that house, clean it up and tell those 20 somethings to cop on and get a little exercise every once in a while!

Anyway, we were good mates.  He got to know our group because he started going out with one of our female friends.  It wasn’t long before we preferred him to her actually.  Eventually, the group ended up getting split up because I fell out with my (then) best friend and his other half.  The friend (we’ll call him Pat) that died didn’t necessarily take sides, but his girlfriend took their side and there wasn’t a hope in hell of keeping in touch under those circumstances.  One day, not long after the row, I got locked out of my car and “Pat” came to my rescue.  We didn’t talk about the row that day, but it was nice to see a friendly face from “the other side”.  That was the last time I saw him – over 10 years ago.

When I heard of “Pat’s” death, I didn’t feel like I had any kind of right to a huge amount of grief, nor did I shed a tear.  But I did feel a huge sense of sadness – especially for him because he was a good guy and deserved to have a long and happy life.

So, I spent the week feeling sort of numb and shocked every time I’d think of it.  I know that death has been happening since the beginning of time, but it still screws with my head to no end – to think that someone can disappear never to be seen again – it’s not like I’m slow on the uptake, I’m just slow to get used to it is all.

Anyway, under these circumstances, I think maintaining my weight for a week ain’t all that bad really.

Weigh In Report

Last week’s weigh in was a disaster, so much so that I conveniently “forgot” to blog about it here – I’d gained a pound. And if I was being honest with myself, I know that hand on heart I hadn’t done enough to ensure a weight loss.

Thankfully this week was a different matter entirely – I really behaved myself and discovered the secret of chewing gum in between meals. I’m going through an obscene amount of gum and my jaws will eventually develop muscle groups of their own but, guess what? It worked!! – I lost 5.6lbs!!!!

I’m bloody delighted with that result – the week was a disastrous one as far as exercise goes, but on the upside, I’m really happy with the handle I got on my eating. I even had a gig last night and managed to not misbehave too much – afterwards I’m normally starved, but I had some Velvet Crunch crisps (only 80something calories per pack) instead of my usual visit to the nearest chipper.

Now, if I can actually get a decent run (no pun intended) at this exercise malarkey, I might stand a chance of losing some serious weight!

Temptation Deli……

I had a gig last weekend, preceded by a rehearsal, which meant I was out and about from pretty early in the day. I am a firm believer in preparation, but honestly I’ve discovered (thus far) that there is only so much that you can do in certain situations, even with the best will in the world.

For a start, I didn’t get up as early as I should have that day, but the reason I didn’t is because gigging involves an incredibly late night and I need to get enough sleep to keep me going. So I only had an hour to get up, get my hair and make up done, feed the dogs and cats and all the usual bits involved with getting up and out. The result was I had no time to prepare food – not even breakfast – before leaving.

So, I stopped at a garage that has a deli on the way – usually a danger zone for me, but I was as good as gold – I ordered a roll with ham, onion and sweet corn – the sausages looked gorgeous but I didn’t go near them. To top it all, when I got to the counter, what should I see but my favourite marshmallow dolphin thingies!! I could have cried but I resisted the urge.

My good behaviour was aided by the sight of an elderly man (he has to have been at least 75) walking to the shop through the pissing rain with his bike (the road was in bits and not suitable for cycling on). In Ireland it’s a regular enough sight to see an elderly person out on a bike or walking to their destination, unlike me and many of my generation who use their cars for the smallest of journeys. They put me to shame, they really do.

Part 2: The New Me

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I just couldn’t do it. It was like someone had weights on top of me. So despite my best intentions, I had to stay put and not do the workout as planned. I felt like shit when I eventually got up and instead of feeling better as the day went on, I felt worse and worse – like someone put lead weights in my bones. Though this might seem like a tale of doom and gloom, it’s actually not. I hope to bejaysus that I’m not tempting fate, but I really do feel like I’ve changed.

The “old me” would have freaked out about not getting up this morning, but I’m actually being more gentle with myself and have realised that perhaps getting up every morning to work out at the beginning might be a bit tough on the system. You see, I used to have a habit of setting the bar really high, so high that I’d fail spectacularly despite a really good initial burst. This phenomenon is more commonly known as my self-destruct button – subtle, so subtle it’s deceptively effective.

I have decided that the self-destruct button is getting deactivated, I’m putting duct tape over it with a DO NOT TOUCH sign on. I am trying to develop a healthy form of tunnel vision, where the very thought of breaking the rules is completely out of the question. I managed this sort of tunnel vision before, when I was quitting smoking. I read Alan Carr’s book and I completely bought in to his way of thinking – ie that really you’re not giving anything up, but you’re actually setting yourself free. I was so impressed by his method of giving up smoking that I bought his weight loss book, however I didn’t find it half as good. It involved a silly amount of change to the normal way of going about things in my opinion and though his theories are probably sound, I feel the world we live in doesn’t allow for the level of change required in his book.

I am however, applying the giving up smoking way of thinking to my eating habits. When I was quitting smoking, I didn’t see it as a loss, as something to be given up – I was setting myself free from the curse of nicotine addiction. Similarly, I am now looking at my life as a fat person and I see the hassle it causes me – not to mention the pain, the hurt, the self-consciousness, the guilt, the shame, the self-loathing – and that’s not even counting the physical struggles involved. Who would want to live like this?

This is the psychology I’m using on myself at the moment. When I was giving up smoking I wouldn’t have even considered touching a cigarette – in the same way now I want to become so focussed that I won’t even think about breaking any rules.

Now, I know that I won’t be perfect, that there will be wobbles and stumbles, because you don’t need cigarettes to live, but you must eat to survive. However, I strongly believe that the battles are fought and won in the mind and if I can get into the right place mentally, I stand some sort of chance of making it this time.

Part 1: On Being Fat and Visible

Well, on Monday (yesterday) morning I managed to rise at 6.30am and had Jillian Michaels whoop my butt via the DVD player. I was, of course, knackered afterwards and had only had 4 hours sleep, so I ended up having to sleep for a few hours afterwards just to ensure I could get through the day, but hey it’s a start – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

The reason I only had 4 hours sleep is because I couldn’t get to sleep the night before. The reason I couldn’t sleep the night before is because the level of need for sleep is directly proportional to the level of difficulty I will experience in actually getting to sleep – regardless of how bloody tired I am. Sometimes it’s very hard being me. I have recently heard that there is a hops concoction that is a natural solution to sleep problems so I am going to check this out the next time I get to a health shop. The experience will hopefully not involve an over eager skinny sales assistant delving into my health issues!

I don’t think skinny people realise what it’s like being out in the world when you’re big and self-conscious about it. The weight colours everything and determines how you go about each and every task, not to mention how you feel as you are going about your business.

I play in a band and though I am female, I pull my weight (no pun intended) – a lot of so-called rock chicks tend to arrive just as the gear is all set up and ready to go – sorry but that just ain’t my style. Anyway, it would probably serve me better to take a more hands off approach, because despite my elaborate preparation process to make myself physically semi-presentable, by the time the gear is set up I am sweating profusely. My make up is dripping off my face, my straightened hair is in strings because of sweat and in general I look all hot and bothered and hoping nobody will notice. Musicians tend to sweat a lot in gigs because of the lights etc, but it’s not very common for them to be sweating, huffing and puffing beforehand just from putting up the gear.

It’s hard to get up in front of people to sing and play as it is, but when I end up in that state, believe me it’s even harder. I manage to block it out just enough to keep it together and luckily, our band is quite good (if I say so myself!) so the music takes care of the rest!

However, this is one thing I am looking forward to changing when I lose some weight – years ago, when I was overweight as opposed to really big like I am now, despite being very self-conscious, it was a lot easier to block it out and get up and play a gig without a second thought. Then again I used to drink like a fish back then, which helped in the aforementioned blocking out haha! Mind you, that same drinking is what laid the foundations for the size I am today – how ironic eh?!

The Weigh In/Day One

Well, I weighed in this morning.  I lost a pound.  If I hadn’t wobbled so much I’d be disappointed but, in fairness, I hadn’t quite gotten into the swing of things and, I reaped what I’d sown.  I had exercised last week, but my food intake was atrocious to say the least so I have only myself to blame.

Today is Day One of the new year as far as I’m concerned.  After a few weeks of teething problems, planning, adjusting, head adjustment, procrastination, more procrastination, feeling sorry for myself, being sick, more procrastination etc etc, I’m finally ready to begin in earnest – no messing about, no farting around, just getting stuck into it.  I’m pissed off with myself at this point so no more excuses, this has GOT to be it – end of story.

After much thought, I have decided to attempt an early morning workout before the day begins.  The logic being that the workout is over and done with and I don’t have to worry about trying to fit it in.  That’s the theory anyway, though I suspect that it might well take a few days to get the hang of it, but I am going to try my hardest.

On a positive note, yesterday I did one of the Jillian Michaels workouts and wasn’t as sore/didn’t feel as helpless as the first time I’d tried it, which I have to say was very encouraging!

Onwards and upwards….and all that…….

Being Fat In Icy Weather

We’ve had quite a few icy days this winter and never before have I felt so fat. I discovered – the hard way, TWICE – that being fat in icy weather ain’t fun.

The first time was when one night our very stupid dog went missing. She was nowhere to be seen and cannot be trusted to be left out all night. I was out looking for her, being very careful as the ground was like an ice rink. What you’ve got to bear in mind though is that we live on a hill and, conveniently, our driveway is a hill, so I had to be extra careful. There I was, being extra careful, when all of a sudden I hit the ground with an unmerciful bang. I’ve fallen in the ice before over the years (I’m a klutz!) but this was the first time I had fallen since reaching the ridiculous weight I am now and bloody hell did I feel it. I managed to split my knee open and acquire some very attractive bruises. I managed to pick myself up and carefully drag myself indoors, cursing the dog with every agonising step. What was more painful though, was the realisation that I was *that* fat, fat enough for a fall to cause me so much injury and pain.

Another night I was bringing out the dustbin and again, it was extremely icy. I was being careful, really careful, because I knew there was ice on the very spot I was headed for. Despite my preparedness, I still managed to fall flat on my ass the second I stepped on the ice on the hill. Most people would probably have wobbled but I couldn’t keep myself upright – not even for a second. Thankfully I wasn’t as badly injured this time, but I was left with a deep paranoia when it comes to me and walking and ice. I even chickened out of going into the supermarket the other day because it was so slippery and I was afraid in case I’d fall and a) hurt myself and/or b) look like a complete twat.

I don’t know what day month or year it was that I got this fat, so fat that a fall is dangerous and very painful. I’m a complete klutz, so I’ve been falling and bumping myself my whole life, but this new complication feels very strange and scary.

Anyway, I’m not going to let it get me down – the only way is up – today I did another Jillian Michaels workout and I have resolved to get up every morning and start the day with a workout – there are 2 DVD’s – one frontside the other backside, so I’m going to alternate them, which means muscle groups get a break in between.

That’s the theory anyway – tomorrow is weigh in day but I ain’t holding out much hope due to a couple of wobbles this week. I kind of feel that last week was more of a lead up to the proper start anyway (at least that’s what I’m telling myself) cos it takes me a while to get into the swing of things (I’m very special) but I’m working on it!

Until tomorrow………..

Back in the saddle again……and again…..and again…..

Here we go again……It’s 2009, a brand spanking new year, just like a new copybook, off I go again with a new attitude, a new me…..

But seriously……

Life just won’t stop getting in the way of my progress….well, if the truth be known, I, myself, me, just *might* have something to do with it also……

Planning is everything really isn’t it…..  I had a gig last night and though I planned ahead and packed a lunch box with fruit, I hadn’t managed to plan for a proper dinner meal (I was on the road a lot of the day) and ended up breaking the rules and eating very unhealthily because of it.  I really need to figure out “dinner-ish” type stuff I can eat on the road.

In other news I’ve been reading up on this GI business and while I’m not (for a change!) rushing out to buy the book or the DVD or whatever, I have been learning a bit about what foods have low GI and what ones don’t.  I’m going to let it guide me in terms of what I eat more or less of.  Same with good fats/bad fats etc.

Though I bought a couple of Jillian Michaels workout DVDs a few months ago, I only got round to actually using them last week.  There was something strangely satisfying about taking a beating from Jillian of the Biggest Loser beatings fame!  On a more serious note it showed me just how bloody unfit I am – talk about huffing and puffing and the red face………not to mention the bits I couldn’t do – I have very dodgy knees and have tennis elbow so I have to watch that end of things.

The dodgy knees of course are a direct result of being overweight and a constant daily reminder of the crap I have forced my body to go through.

I have stayed off the tea by the way, I came to a compromise of having the odd cup of coffee, in an effort to be sociable kinda thing.  The coffee is safe enough as I’m not likely to drink it in copious amounts – I need it to be sweetened so I use Splenda, which is quite nice actually – except in buns – I found the aftertaste to be disgusting!

Anyway, today is Friday, and weigh in day is Sunday so I’ll report back after that.  When I weighed myself after Christmas I discovered that, compared to this time last year, I’d put up 10lbs – needless to say I was extremely pissed off about this, and utterly disappointed with myself.

The idea was that Christmas was to be a sort of Last Supper, but I think I may have overdone it a tad, though I tried not to…meh…!  Anyway, the bottom line is I’m starting from scratch and really, the only way is up.

I’ve had a couple of wobbles this week so I’m not expecting miracles on Sunday, but if I’ve made one resolution, it’s that I cannot and will not allow one wobble or two wobbles to ruin the entire effort.

I had trouble getting started into the new year, so I had to have a meeting with myself, the result of which was this list:

1. Start eating healthier
2. Stop overeating
3. Start exercising
4. Take control of my time/manage it better
5. Start working on businesses
6. Do something other than watch TV every night
7. Walk the dogs more often and stick to it
8. Organise/get control of finances
9. De-clutter the house/shed/yard/etc
10. Get help with the housework
11. Get better at recognising the signs of depression earlier and catch beforehand
12. Start noticing and savouring the little things
13. Read more
14. Learn to say no at the right times
15. Learn to say yes at the right times
16. Blog/journal more
17. Stop breaking promises you make to yourself
18. Don’t let one stumble make you fall off the wagon
19. Respect yourself more
20. Take stock of your achievements (to date and future)
21. Play bass more/write more songs
22. Write more
23. Be less sensitive
24. NB Stop putting off living!!

Well…it’s a start eh?!!!

Mini Goal Achieved!

I reached my first mini goal!! Yay!!!!

I was preparing myself for the worst, cos I’ve had a rough week. I’ve been waiting to get to the dentist and in the meantime the offending teeth have been giving me hell. In a fit of desperation and against my better judgement I took Nurofen Plus (they gave my stomach trouble in the past) and I lived to regret it. For the last 4 days I’ve had agony with my stomach, it’s gotten better each day, but the problem with the reaction I had is that when I was even the least bit hungry it hurt like hell – so I had to feed the problem. I tried to be as careful as possible and I know I didn’t get it right all the time, but I obviously got something right cos at least I lost SOMETHING.

In reality I’ve actually only lost just over half a pound by the way, but today, to me, that doesn’t matter – I’ve reached a mini goal despite a challenging week so hurrah!