Smokin Baby!!

Well, I had a bit of a wobble off the wagon, but I’m back. This time, I hope, for good. There is one fundamental difference this time. My other half is fully on board and has pledged to make the change with me. This happened (properly, not half assed on either of our parts) before, where we both were fully on board together, when we joined WW first. We’d gotten into a fantastic routine and were doing well but then we decided to quit smoking together and the result was a spectacular crash from the wagon.

A few posts ago I had been thinking about when I gave up smoking. This was my first and only serious attempt to quit and I succeeded first time. Before congratulations are in order, it should be borne in mind that I’d spent years suffering the ill effects of smoking prior to getting my act together and I simply knew I wasn’t capable of giving up until the time I finally took the plunge. In many ways it was the same with weight loss – I am not a serial dieter – the first proper attempt was when I joined WW – prior to that I hadn’t really done anything worth talking about – I guess I should be thankful that I didn’t have to suffer the downside of yo-yo dieting.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. Apart from the fact that I was ready, I think one of the main factors that contributed to my success in kicking my smoking habit was the fact that myself and the other half did it together. Likewise, when we were doing WW together, we flourished. Since then, although we’ve tried to get on the same page together loads of times, between work and life’s ups and downs we hadn’t managed to synchronise until now. Finally, we’re both on the same page at the same time. Our first weekly weigh in was last Sunday and I’d lost half a stone!!

We’ve a long way to go – ie integrating exercise, but we’re getting there. For now, we’re doing our own version of WW’s points system – the points are just a guide to make sure we don’t overeat but we’re being healthy about it. We’re planning to introduce a more rounded system, taking fat, calories, carbs etc into account, once we figure out a system that suits us.

So, I’m hoping that with the both of us on board together, we will keep each other going.

For the first time in a long time….there’s hope.

Unexpected Result!

Well, I don’t know how I managed it, but I lost just under 5.5lbs this week.  I mean I know I had intended this big old fresh start last week but I made a bit of a balls of it due to an emotionally weird week.  I didn’t go totally mental, but didn’t feel 100% in control or fully planned, if that makes sense.  Anyway, I’m going to take the 5.5lbs and I’m going to run away with it and hide in case anyone wants to take it away from me!

I’ve been pondering further on why I’ve been having so many false starts, and how I might combat this somehow.  In some ways I think I need to simplify things, just until I get on my way.  If I know exactly what I’m going to have for breakfast and lunch and have a set few dinners to choose from, only allowing fresh fruit and veg and chewing gum in between, I reckon I can’t go far wrong.  If the choice is taken away from me, I’m wondering if I can bypass my brain.

That’s the plan for now.  I’m still working on it and will probably refine it slightly as time goes on.  At this moment in time, I’m just grateful that I had a substantial loss this week after all the kicks in the ass I’ve been having weight loss wise.

It’s a Dog’s Life

Well I guess a loss of 1.5lbs is better than a kick up the arse, especially considering last week’s (and the week before!) abysmal result.  Since my long post the other day I’ve been quite pensive and have been taking positive steps towards paving the way for a smoother journey from here on in.

One thing I’ve discovered is the wondrous concept of putting blogs into a reader – yeah I’m sure most folks are sniggering that I’ve only just discovered that now but hey, I’m a late starter – I only ever had a Livejournal blog before, but never really did much with it.  Anyway the reader is great because it’s helping to keep me motivated by reading lots of fantastic diet blogs, which I’ll get to in a minute.

A major stumbling block for me has always been my inability to get to sleep at night, especially if I’m worried or if I have either positive or negative stuff on my mind.  For example, I’ve given myself tomorrow (Monday) as my deadline to be completely on the straight and narrow – getting up on time, sticking to the plan I set out for the day etc.  Under normal circumstances, I’d completely botch the whole operation because I’d end up awake half the night worrying that I might not be able to wake up the next morning.  Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Anyway, I decided to get off my bum and try to do something about it.  So I bought Paul McKenna’s “I Can Help You Sleep”.  I’m not one for gimmicks but I have to say, the man speaks a lot of logic.  In my mind it’s not 100 miles off Allen Carr’s stop smoking book in that it doesn’t try to bullshit you and for the most part you can see the reasoning behind the stuff you’re supposed to do or stop doing.  So we’ll see what happens, but I feel optimistic that I might at least improve my sleeping patterns, which bodes well for my energy levels.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the subject of choices and what we do with those choices.  “Escape from Obesity” and “The Anti-Jared” both wrote excellent posts about this subject and, no pun intended, talk about food for thought.  I am very good at making excuses to myself -ah it’ll be alright this once – well, I had a good weight loss last time, so I’ll get away with it – oh but I’m so tired, I can’t work out, I’ll be fucked for the rest of the day….and so on and so on.  But the excuses have to stop – as Moloko would say, the time is NOW – no more excuses.  The excuses have me where I am today – unhealthy, unfit and unhappy because of it.  Either I want this or I don’t, so I have to get real.

Finally, last week I had further motivation from an unusual source.  One of our dogs got knocked down because he’s as thick as bricks and runs after cars.  He damaged the ligaments and tendons in his elbow and can’t put any weight on it.  Here’s the thing – the dog is overweight and it’s my fault.  It’s my fault because I let him away with murder when it comes to food and it’s my fault because I don’t walk him enough.  On so many levels I felt so ashamed at the vets not least because not only was the poor bugger in pain because of his injuries, but to make it worse, he had extra trouble keeping himself up on the remaining three legs because of his weight.  So, he’s on a diet.  Sometimes I wish we could trade places and that I could have someone come along and remove the choices from me and whip me into shape until I lose all the weight!  Anyway, the dog is now joining the fat fighters club and is on a controlled diet.  And, when he’s back on his feet and fully recovered from his injuries we will walk together every day until we are both fighting fit.

Fresh Start…..yet again….(LONG!)

I’ve been avoiding this update, because I’ve failed again.  I don’t exactly have volumes of archives on this blog, but the few entries that are here are like a frickin rollercoaster!  Mind you, the word rollercoaster makes it sound exciting – it’s more like a lot of boring old ups and downs like a see saw.  I’m actually embarrassed at this point, because I keep saying, “This is it! – This time will be different! I’ve copped myself on – I know the answer now!”  But, somehow I always manage to fall off the wagon.  If I were a stranger reading this blog I’d want to smack some sense into me!

Distractions…….

A disastrous weigh in week I’m afraid. I was so pissed off I didn’t even calculate how much I’d gained – it’s not much more than a couple of pounds as far as I know but it’s a bloody gain.

It’s not that I can’t behave myself with food – I’ve proven to myself that I can behave and eat properly – for the most part I don’t even binge – I just make unhealthy choices. The problem is, I live an extremely eventful life and I get totally distracted from eating the right thing. You see, the life I lead means that most ordinary hiccups have complications, sometimes to the extent that it sounds like you’re making it up!

What I’m trying to figure out is, how do I stay focussed and weather life’s interruptions? I have the best of intentions, but despite my best efforts, I always seem to end up having to take shortcuts. I know preparation is key, but sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day or enough energy in the body for that matter!

I’m just finding it so frustrating, not being able to get anywhere. I keep hearing about people who are yo-yo dieters, who lose vast amounts of weight but can’t keep it off. I’ve never been like that – I just never managed to lose a big enough amount of weight to get any kind of satisfaction – just a stone here or there but nothing big.

I firmly believe that this weight loss battle is fought and won in the mind and I need to figure out what’s making me tick in this department. I’ve learned a bit about what way I am with food so far, but obviously I have a ways to go.

On the up side I guess I haven’t totally lost touch cos I’m blogging eh…..

Weigh in and other stuff

So, the good news is I didn’t gain any weight, the bad news is I didn’t lose any either.  But you know what, it could be worse.  I did have a couple of wobbles this week but I ain’t beating myself up over it.

You see, I had the very strange experience of looking up an old friend, only to find he’d died.  It knocked me for six I can tell you.  I’m going to be 36 this April and though there are times when I feel I’m ancient, it still feels too young to find people are dead when you look them up!

Death does funny things to my emotions and my mind.  I never know how to deal with it because it feels so bloody final.  And, it doesn’t matter how well I did or didn’t know a person, I still have this incredible urge to immerse myself in them and absorb them somehow.  I was on my way to a gig the other night and passed within 5km of where my friend used to live and though I have passed that road a hundred times, this time it was different.

The situation with the old friend I was looking up was kind of strange.  I always got on really well with him, and though we weren’t “tell each other deepest darkest secrets” kind of close, I have a lot of happy memories of the time we spent together.  I knew him at a time when I was smoking a lot of dope and our group of friends would have lots of lazy Sundays (and er…Mondays-Saturdays too..) where we’d get stoned, eat rubbish and vegetate for the day.  In fairness, as bad as it sounds, it wasn’t all that superficial!  Though, having said that, the person I am now wants to go into that house, clean it up and tell those 20 somethings to cop on and get a little exercise every once in a while!

Anyway, we were good mates.  He got to know our group because he started going out with one of our female friends.  It wasn’t long before we preferred him to her actually.  Eventually, the group ended up getting split up because I fell out with my (then) best friend and his other half.  The friend (we’ll call him Pat) that died didn’t necessarily take sides, but his girlfriend took their side and there wasn’t a hope in hell of keeping in touch under those circumstances.  One day, not long after the row, I got locked out of my car and “Pat” came to my rescue.  We didn’t talk about the row that day, but it was nice to see a friendly face from “the other side”.  That was the last time I saw him – over 10 years ago.

When I heard of “Pat’s” death, I didn’t feel like I had any kind of right to a huge amount of grief, nor did I shed a tear.  But I did feel a huge sense of sadness – especially for him because he was a good guy and deserved to have a long and happy life.

So, I spent the week feeling sort of numb and shocked every time I’d think of it.  I know that death has been happening since the beginning of time, but it still screws with my head to no end – to think that someone can disappear never to be seen again – it’s not like I’m slow on the uptake, I’m just slow to get used to it is all.

Anyway, under these circumstances, I think maintaining my weight for a week ain’t all that bad really.

Weigh In Report

Last week’s weigh in was a disaster, so much so that I conveniently “forgot” to blog about it here – I’d gained a pound. And if I was being honest with myself, I know that hand on heart I hadn’t done enough to ensure a weight loss.

Thankfully this week was a different matter entirely – I really behaved myself and discovered the secret of chewing gum in between meals. I’m going through an obscene amount of gum and my jaws will eventually develop muscle groups of their own but, guess what? It worked!! – I lost 5.6lbs!!!!

I’m bloody delighted with that result – the week was a disastrous one as far as exercise goes, but on the upside, I’m really happy with the handle I got on my eating. I even had a gig last night and managed to not misbehave too much – afterwards I’m normally starved, but I had some Velvet Crunch crisps (only 80something calories per pack) instead of my usual visit to the nearest chipper.

Now, if I can actually get a decent run (no pun intended) at this exercise malarkey, I might stand a chance of losing some serious weight!

Temptation Deli……

I had a gig last weekend, preceded by a rehearsal, which meant I was out and about from pretty early in the day. I am a firm believer in preparation, but honestly I’ve discovered (thus far) that there is only so much that you can do in certain situations, even with the best will in the world.

For a start, I didn’t get up as early as I should have that day, but the reason I didn’t is because gigging involves an incredibly late night and I need to get enough sleep to keep me going. So I only had an hour to get up, get my hair and make up done, feed the dogs and cats and all the usual bits involved with getting up and out. The result was I had no time to prepare food – not even breakfast – before leaving.

So, I stopped at a garage that has a deli on the way – usually a danger zone for me, but I was as good as gold – I ordered a roll with ham, onion and sweet corn – the sausages looked gorgeous but I didn’t go near them. To top it all, when I got to the counter, what should I see but my favourite marshmallow dolphin thingies!! I could have cried but I resisted the urge.

My good behaviour was aided by the sight of an elderly man (he has to have been at least 75) walking to the shop through the pissing rain with his bike (the road was in bits and not suitable for cycling on). In Ireland it’s a regular enough sight to see an elderly person out on a bike or walking to their destination, unlike me and many of my generation who use their cars for the smallest of journeys. They put me to shame, they really do.

Part 2: The New Me

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I just couldn’t do it. It was like someone had weights on top of me. So despite my best intentions, I had to stay put and not do the workout as planned. I felt like shit when I eventually got up and instead of feeling better as the day went on, I felt worse and worse – like someone put lead weights in my bones. Though this might seem like a tale of doom and gloom, it’s actually not. I hope to bejaysus that I’m not tempting fate, but I really do feel like I’ve changed.

The “old me” would have freaked out about not getting up this morning, but I’m actually being more gentle with myself and have realised that perhaps getting up every morning to work out at the beginning might be a bit tough on the system. You see, I used to have a habit of setting the bar really high, so high that I’d fail spectacularly despite a really good initial burst. This phenomenon is more commonly known as my self-destruct button – subtle, so subtle it’s deceptively effective.

I have decided that the self-destruct button is getting deactivated, I’m putting duct tape over it with a DO NOT TOUCH sign on. I am trying to develop a healthy form of tunnel vision, where the very thought of breaking the rules is completely out of the question. I managed this sort of tunnel vision before, when I was quitting smoking. I read Alan Carr’s book and I completely bought in to his way of thinking – ie that really you’re not giving anything up, but you’re actually setting yourself free. I was so impressed by his method of giving up smoking that I bought his weight loss book, however I didn’t find it half as good. It involved a silly amount of change to the normal way of going about things in my opinion and though his theories are probably sound, I feel the world we live in doesn’t allow for the level of change required in his book.

I am however, applying the giving up smoking way of thinking to my eating habits. When I was quitting smoking, I didn’t see it as a loss, as something to be given up – I was setting myself free from the curse of nicotine addiction. Similarly, I am now looking at my life as a fat person and I see the hassle it causes me – not to mention the pain, the hurt, the self-consciousness, the guilt, the shame, the self-loathing – and that’s not even counting the physical struggles involved. Who would want to live like this?

This is the psychology I’m using on myself at the moment. When I was giving up smoking I wouldn’t have even considered touching a cigarette – in the same way now I want to become so focussed that I won’t even think about breaking any rules.

Now, I know that I won’t be perfect, that there will be wobbles and stumbles, because you don’t need cigarettes to live, but you must eat to survive. However, I strongly believe that the battles are fought and won in the mind and if I can get into the right place mentally, I stand some sort of chance of making it this time.

Part 1: On Being Fat and Visible

Well, on Monday (yesterday) morning I managed to rise at 6.30am and had Jillian Michaels whoop my butt via the DVD player. I was, of course, knackered afterwards and had only had 4 hours sleep, so I ended up having to sleep for a few hours afterwards just to ensure I could get through the day, but hey it’s a start – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

The reason I only had 4 hours sleep is because I couldn’t get to sleep the night before. The reason I couldn’t sleep the night before is because the level of need for sleep is directly proportional to the level of difficulty I will experience in actually getting to sleep – regardless of how bloody tired I am. Sometimes it’s very hard being me. I have recently heard that there is a hops concoction that is a natural solution to sleep problems so I am going to check this out the next time I get to a health shop. The experience will hopefully not involve an over eager skinny sales assistant delving into my health issues!

I don’t think skinny people realise what it’s like being out in the world when you’re big and self-conscious about it. The weight colours everything and determines how you go about each and every task, not to mention how you feel as you are going about your business.

I play in a band and though I am female, I pull my weight (no pun intended) – a lot of so-called rock chicks tend to arrive just as the gear is all set up and ready to go – sorry but that just ain’t my style. Anyway, it would probably serve me better to take a more hands off approach, because despite my elaborate preparation process to make myself physically semi-presentable, by the time the gear is set up I am sweating profusely. My make up is dripping off my face, my straightened hair is in strings because of sweat and in general I look all hot and bothered and hoping nobody will notice. Musicians tend to sweat a lot in gigs because of the lights etc, but it’s not very common for them to be sweating, huffing and puffing beforehand just from putting up the gear.

It’s hard to get up in front of people to sing and play as it is, but when I end up in that state, believe me it’s even harder. I manage to block it out just enough to keep it together and luckily, our band is quite good (if I say so myself!) so the music takes care of the rest!

However, this is one thing I am looking forward to changing when I lose some weight – years ago, when I was overweight as opposed to really big like I am now, despite being very self-conscious, it was a lot easier to block it out and get up and play a gig without a second thought. Then again I used to drink like a fish back then, which helped in the aforementioned blocking out haha! Mind you, that same drinking is what laid the foundations for the size I am today – how ironic eh?!